What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:20
I couldn’t, believe it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I said to her
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I write beautiful poetry .
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Especially a lifetime of it.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I waited trembling.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Who then, do I blame.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I will be 64.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Aut dolorem voluptates tempore maxime.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So whats the point in blame.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I think the readers, may guess!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I never cut or harmed myself..
What did i know ?
Im still living with it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was scared of men, in general
But it wasn’t much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was 9 years of age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My family never makes their pension either.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So, i spoilt her more .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was in good health!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why did i forgive my father ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She married twice! .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Would this be the day?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i lived it daily.